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Dental Prayer Fellowship Newsletter
September 2007

How Do We avoid conflicts?

We have seen that there are three sure-fire ways to start a conflict: wrong thoughts, wrong words, and/or wrong actions. A good question is, "How can we avoid one?" This is an important question to ask because there are wrong and right ways to avoid a conflict.

Some sinful ways to avoid conflict:

• Just keep quiet. Many married couples choose to avoid conflict in ways that are not acceptable to God. While there may be times that we should keep quiet, avoiding communication as a general rule is sinful. We have already discussed why Christians must communicate. We cannot obey God in our marriage without really communicating with our spouse. It is also very easy for bitterness to grow. When there is little or no communication, eventually bitterness will find a way to express itself (Ecclesiastes 3:7b; Ephesians 4:29-31; Colossians 3:19).
• Stay away from one another. Obviously this is not an option for Christians. Consider God's commands for wives to respect their husbands, and husbands to love their wives. We are commanded to be "fervent [stretched out with all intensity] in our love" (John 15:12; 1 Peter 4:8)
• Change the subject. This tactic is much like the keep-quiet method, but it also involves deception and manipulation (Proverbs 12:22; Proverbs 24:28).
• Hide information, sins or bitterness. This method involves deception, which we know to be sin. There is also no way that a couple can be one when this is going on (Genesis 20:2).

Some God-honouring ways to avoid conflict:

• Seek to know your spouse well, appreciate and understand their perspective (1 Peter 3:7)
• Gather plenty of data before speaking. Clarify often what you think you heard or understood. Ask lots of questions (Proverbs 18:1, 17).
• Pray, study and think about the issue before speaking, if possible (Proverbs 15:28).
• Demonstrate and/or communicate your love and care at the time of a disagreement (Romans 12:9-10).
• Listen more than you speak, but do speak (Proverbs 10:19; 25:11).
• In matters of sin, approach your spouse in love (Eph 4:15; Col 3:19).
• In matters of preference, prefer one another (Romans 12:10).
• In matters of wisdom and conscience, suggest searching the Scriptures and getting godly counsel (Proverbs 11:14; 2 Timothy 2:15).
• Refuse to sin in your communication (Proverbs 8:6-8).
• Be more interested in God's glory and the other's good, rather than having your own way, or being right (Joshua 22:5; Romans 15:2).

One of the best ways to avoid a conflict when another person is angry at you is to give a gentle and caring answer to their angry words. The Proverbs tell us:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1)

With a firm commitment, a plan, and a prayer for God "to help in the time of need" we can resist the temptation to return the anger that is coming at us (Heb 4:16)

A person who is sincerely and biblically trying to avoid conflict is pursuing peace. Even when there is just one person pursuing peace, there will be very little conflict.If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men (Romans 12:18)

So then let us pursue the thing which make for peace and the building up of one another (Romans 14:19)

Resolving conflicts

There are right and wrong ways to resolve conflicts have already begun or have been fully carried out (but not resolved). Our method of resolving conflicts needs to be in agreement with God's Word.

Some sinful ways to resolve conflicts

• Let time heal it. Healing alone is not what is needed or what honours God when a conflict has taken place. What is needed is confession, forgiveness and repentance. Time passes for us but not for God. He wants His children to deal with sin quickly (Matthew 5:23-24; Ephesians 4:26). Usually another's sin and our hurt become bigger (not smaller) with the passage of time. Our memories can become very selective and make the resolution process even more difficult.
• Try to bury it. A person who lives this way will most likely accumulate many unresolved issues, which can very easily result in more sin, bitterness, depression, and/or even physical sickness. Many misuse Philippians 3:13 in an attempt to biblically justify this position.
• Pretend it never happen. This sinful way to resolve conflict is one way to really irritate your spouse! All the pretending in the world does not erase a conflict. A person who does this is not living in reality and will only carry on superficial relationships with other people (Philippians 4:8a).
• Wait for the other person to initiate the resolution process. This approach is in direct violation of God's command to go and seek to resolve any problem that someone has with you (Matthew 5:23, 24).
• Punish the other person until they change and take all the blame. People often do various things to punish their spouse until they change and assume the blame. They may give them the silent treatment, be harsh with them, or even leave. This method of dealing with conflict is only heaping sin upon sin (Galatians 6:1; Romans 12:9-20).

A biblical way to resolve conflict:

• Confess any sin that you are aware of to God. Ask him to open your eyes to any other sin on your part as you consider His Word. You can start by thinking about your motives, your thoughts, your attitude, your words, and your actions (Psalm 139:23-24; 1 John 1:9-10).
• Go to your spouse, ask for forgiveness for each thing you did specifically and discuss your plan not to do those things again (Ephesians 4:32; James 5:16).
• Express a desire to resolve the conflict fully and decide together when the best time to do that would be. Ask if they would (in the meantime) consider if there is any other way that you have sinned, any sin that they may have committed, and that they may have committed, and what the issues of the conflict are (Proverbs 15:28).
• Come together at the appointed time. Express your desire to honour God and love one another by doing everything you can to resolve this issue with both of you on the same team against the problem, not against each other (Psalm 34:14). Think of the problem as not between you but as a challenge foe both of you together.
• Pray together for God's wisdom, self-control, and speech (Proverbs 16:32; James 1:5).
• Review God's rules of communication. Decide on the reminder phrase or sign you can use if there is a violation during your discussion (Ephesians 4:15, 26:32; James 1:19).
  1. Be a good listener
  2. Speak the truth
  3. Speak in a righteous way – in love
  4. Speak with the right purposes: God's glory and the other's good.
  5. Speak as clearly as possible.
• Each one should take a turn to confess any sin that has not been confessed (to God and to spouse), and ask forgiveness. Each should ask for the other's input (Ephesians 4:32; James 5:16; 1 John 1:9).
• Begin discussing the issues that precipitated the conflict. Is it a preference issue? Is it a sin issue? Is it a conscience issue? Is it a wisdom issue? This resolution process encourages both husband and wife to remain humble, self-controlled, and solution-oriented.

Avoiding conflict and resolving conflict will take repeated practice for those who have already created bad habits in this area. The good news is, if you persevere through the learning process, you will begin to enjoy the fruit of your labour. Handling personal differences, differences of opinion, and conflict in God's way will cause love and unity to grow in your marriage, and both of you will grow in wisdom.

[ This is the concluding 3-part series on "Communication and Conflict Resolution – a Biblical Perspective" by Stuart Scott, Focus Publishing ]